Ask The HourMarker: On the Unwieldy Goblin of Desire

Dear Rowan,

What immediate actions in the area of my love life would improve my life the most overall?

Background: I've been in a long term relationship for many years now, and we've been stuck in a cycle. I've become the one who messes up and then reacts when my partner/boyfriend becomes fed up and angry at me. Now, we're at a standoff. I want to improve the situation and stay together, but our interactions are increasingly burdened with all these past issues. I truly want the best for both of us, I'm just feeling stuck and not sure what to do, since discussing things hasn't helped much thus far.

Thank you for this opportunity!

Dear Querent,

Desire is a funny thing. It helps us stay alive and continue as a species, it connects us to the divine and to the world around us, it makes life worth living. But when repressed, shamed, and kept in the dark it tends to fester, becoming an unseemly goblin that lashes out, wreaking havoc on ourselves and those around us. We do so many hurtful things when we aren’t in right relationship with our desire, our eros. We can think about eros as a fire— in order to be useful and life giving, it needs to be properly fed and tended to, neither smothered nor left to burn recklessly. In your question, you mentioned this pattern of fucking up and then becoming reactive when your partner gets frustrated. As with a lot of the questions I seem to get, I have a feeling that underneath the question you asked is a whole knotted and tender mess of relationship dynamics that need to be brought to light. While you were pretty vague about the nature of the fuck up, if I were to take an educated guess, I’d say it involves some kind of cheating*.

¹

But to answer the question you asked, I think the immediate action you can take is to be vulnerable and ask yourself the right questions. Since this chart features a full moon in the first house, I get the sense that an accurate diagnosis is a huge part of the cure, and once everything gets fully illuminated you will be able to see where to go from here. 

The Sun, which signifies you in this question, is placed in the 7th house, in Aquarius (the sign of its detriment), and copresent with Saturn. All of that to say, it seems you find yourself in his world, living under his rules, and with his career and needs defining your shared life together. With Saturn in Aquarius signifying him, I get the sense that your partner is perhaps older and more financially established.And with the Sun in detriment signifying you, I get the sense that in this relationship you are hiding your proverbial light under a bushel. The lot of harmony and the lot of unions and bonds both fall in the first house, and so are all ruled by that exiled sun. The lot of harmony (fortune to spirit) represents the desires of the individual, and what brings delight to their souls. In the 7th house and ruled by an exiled sun, again we get a sense that you are exiled from your desires, that you are placing their needs far ahead of your own. The lot of unions (Saturn to Venus) falling in the first house as well confirms this— it seems like the structure of the relationship is based on you putting his needs before your own. 

The 12th part of the ascendant, the point I often look to as the question behind the question, tells an interesting story. Falling in the sign of libra in the third house, and ruled by an exalted Venus in the 8th house, it again suggests that this has a lot to do with the structure of the relationship, and whose needs are prioritized. With that exalted Venus in the 8th house of shared resources ruling the third house of the local area, perhaps you two are living in a city or neighborhood that isn’t ideal for you, but is what your partner wanted. Are there perhaps ways in which detangling your relationship and decoupling your finances can provide a way to resolution, or at least more clarity about what you should do?

I wish I had better news for you, dear querent, but I think the road ahead is going to be a rough one. If we look to the moon as the resolution of the situation, we see that unfortunately you need to sextile Mars, oppose the Sun, oppose Saturn, and then square Mars before there is any kind of benefic aspect. There’s something interesting about the full Moon in Leo ruled by a cold winter sun— we often come to realize the distance between our revelations and what we need to do. But the good(?) news is that with the moon falling in the first house, you have quite a bit of agency in this situation, and the ability (and burden) of getting to the root of these issues falls on you. And the waxing, almost full moon, opposed as she is by malefics and unfortunate aspects, is still the queen of the heavens and the powerful mediatrix of our experience on earth. If anyone has the power to bring about revelation and solutions, it’s her. I’m rooting for you!

Amor Fati,

Rowan Aubrey Sloane

1. There’s some astrological hints that this is the case. The lot of adultery falls in early degrees of virgo overcome by mars. Mars can often signify the breaking of promises and acts of sexual harm or indiscretion, in Gemini it further confirms the sense of lying or double speech. Leo is a lusty sign, and the moon plus a few important lots of relationships in that sign opposing Saturn, ruled by a planet in bad condition, and receiving an aspect from mars also suggest some kind of infidelity. And in modern relationship readings, the 5th house is sometimes given to “the other woman (or perhaps man in this case),” and with a separation from Jupiter ruling the 5th as the moon’s last aspect, there’s definitely a sense that what prompted this question was an incident with a 5th house person.