Ask the Hourmarker: Sex and Celibacy

Dear Rowan,

I’m writing to seek insight and guidance on the future of my romantic relationships. I recently went through two breakups around the same time (in early May) and have since made the decision to try and be single and celibate for one year. I have some deep issues around my ability to self-advocate in relationships and I think building a stronger relationship with myself is what I am supposed to be doing right now. However, this is tough for me because I’ve basically been serial dating for the past 3ish years.  Being intentionally single feels like a relief but at times I also find myself missing dating and sex. 

I’m wondering if I will reach the one year goal, or will there be new romantic / sexual relationships on the horizon soon? I’m also hoping to gain insight on how relationships with exes will go, as I am trying to shift to friendships with several of the people I dated. With one ex I am certain our friendship will be fine and hanging out has felt good. But with another ex, we had a very intense physical and sexual connection. Will we be able to shift to a platonic friendship, or is our sexual relationship going to resurface in the future? It feels really unclear right now and my emotions have been all over the place when I’ve tried engaging with this person post-breakup.

Thank you for your help!!

-healing and hopeful

Dear Healing,

Thank you for your question! There are a lot of pieces to this question, but the chart describes the situation so beautifully that I think we can tease out answers to all the threads. As far as your recent exes, I think there's definitely something messy there. Both Jupiter and Mars are in the 7th house of relationships, in the hot-headed sign of Aries. Jupiter feels like the one you are more comfortable being friends with, it feels supportive and able to make that transition effectively. Mars, though, feels more fraught, more immediately disruptive. Jupiter is moving slowly, it feels secure and stable, where Mars is right at the end of Aries, about to move into Taurus within a few days. Mars gets less constructive in Taurus, and will be unable to see Venus. This feels like either your relationship with this ex is about to become more problematic, or they are about to physically leave the area and move somewhere else. Either way, I don’t know if you will be in each other's lives for much longer. With the other ex though, I definitely think they can continue to be a supportive part of your life, even as your relationship changes. Jupiter has a lot of associations with companionship and deep, soul level friendships, and so seeing Jupiter in the 7th house of important relationships feels like a really good sign, even as Jupiter has set in the sky and is moving away from the angle of the descendant. 

You asked about whether you will reach the goal of one year, and that's a little more straightforward. I would say yes, the moon is in the 12th house, and doesn’t make an applying aspect for a while until it changes signs. This pretty strongly suggests some sort of isolation or stepping away from relationships. The only thing that gives me pause is Venus applying to trine a retrograde Saturn, which is placed in the 5th house of pleasure and sexuality. There's about 10 degrees before Saturn and Venus perfect that aspect, which makes me think a situation might come up towards the end of your year. Saturn, Venus, and the 5th house make strange bedfellows, and to me that suggests there’s something unconventional about this situation— maybe the person is older than you or someone you wouldn’t normally date. In this chart Saturn is ruling the 5th house of pleasure and sexuality and the 6th house of work and labor— so this might be somebody you are working with or working for. Abu Ma’shar would say that Saturn here is burdened by being retrograde and is unable to accept what Venus offers, and that could look like you approaching someone who maybe has shown interest but ultimately isn’t able to reciprocate for whatever reason. This might leave you feeling bad, but it’s very much them, not you. 

I want to say, I really love this journey for you! Venus rules the ascendant and represents you in this question, and Venus has passed its highest peak in the sky and is now falling away towards western horizon. The 9th house, this point in the sky where planets begin their decline, is a potent one. The medieval Jewish astrologer Abraham ibn Ezra likens it to someone who is removed from their high position, but also says it is the place of religion and of searching for wisdom, which he compares to the act of someone traveling from place to place. So it definitely feels like you’re on the right track— there’s something here about removal and self-discovery, the process of loss being a catalyst for seeking wisdom. This reminds me of the kind of voluntary fasts or periods of abstinence that happen in certain religious or magical circles. Here, something normal is abstained from, not because it is inherently sinful or bad, but because by abstaining from the things of normal life, one can come into a better understanding and communion with the divine. I wonder if that idea might resonate here, not necessarily that you need to become devoutly religious, but there might be an opportunity to engage with the aliveness and wonder of the world. Venus is linked with spirit relationships, devotion, and ecstatic states, and with Venus placed in the 9th house this might be a fruitful time to explore those kinds of relationships with the more than human. Venus is also fed by connection and curiosity (especially in Gemini), and I think you might have a better time if you think in terms of deepening connections, rather than just turning inward. I think the focus on self development sometimes misses the point— that we are all part of an ecosystem of relationships with humans and non-humans, whether we acknowledge it or not. And certainly it's important to build up the self, but we as humans are relational beings, in community with each other, with the land and its inhabitants, with the hidden realms and the Divine. 

You framed this question in terms of whether or not you’ll meet your goal of one year, and while I think you will, I’m not so sure that’s the heart of the matter. There’s a technique used in horary to get to the hidden layer of the question, where you look at the 12th parts— a micro-zodiac within each sign— and see where the 12th part of the ascendant falls. In this case, it falls in Gemini in the 9th house, and is ruled by Mercury in Gemini. So it seems like the heart of this question isn’t about 5th house matters (love, sexuality), or even 7th house matters (relationships), but instead it's firmly in the 9th house (beliefs, religion, spirituality, and journeys). Which to me, means that the journey and what you will learn along the way about yourself and the world around you is what’s really important. And the search for wisdom and self-discovery, like ibn Ezra says, is an act of wandering, of detours and unexpected stops, of frustrations and setbacks, and of delight and newness. It might seem like growth is slow to come, but one day you will look back, and be surprised at the person you’ve become, seemingly overnight. You don’t know when you will arrive, but when you have arrived, you will know deep in your bones. 

I wish you all the best!

-Amor Fati

Rowan Aubrey Sloane